It's the end of AoNikki. I'm moving to my new blog, where you will find some explanations and probably some inspirational words.

AoNikki will stay here, for all your (and my) reading pleasure, but no new update will be made.

I feel like I should really say something meaningful here, but nothing comes to mind. I have a lot of thoughts, questions, sadness, worries, etc. in my head, and that's why I took the reasonable course of action: make a new blog.

Yes, I was being sarcastic. I hope you still enjoy it.

I've read somewhere recently that humans are emotional beings; and since then I've been wondering how true that is. By most people's standard, I'm very rational -- probably also comically logical and personally detached from most things. (Well, maybe my blog posts don't really support that statement, but they are exceptions). By most MIT students' standard, however, I seem a bit emotional -- or so I've been told. For some reasons, I used to spend time pondering which end of the spectrum is right, and was completely oblivious about the obvious answer: neither.

I have yet to see or hear of any human without emotions. This may seem like something easily falsified; but I did put a lot of thoughts into it and still couldn't find a non-fictional example. Most people shows a wide range of emotions, while a few only express some: anger, greed, you name it. So humans are subject to their own and other people's emotions, although not everyone understand and act on them. Regardless, they are still there.

While most people, however, are not rational, thinking rationally is a learnable skill. Many even have a natural tendency toward facts and logic. So maybe the statement "humans are emotional beings" is not completely accurate or, at best, oversimplifies?

It is true, though, that humans are driven by emotions -- even though they may not always realize it. If you are a very logical and nerdy person, you probably would choose to hang out and make friends with other logical and nerdy people, and that is for an emotional reason: you enjoy their company. Or maybe you actually spend most time around people you don't like but have to socialize with to advance your career; well, you also do that out of an emotion: the desire to succeed. You may have decided that the only purpose of your life is to solve the P=NP problem, and that too, is because of the satisfaction you would feel when accomplishing that. Would you still work on it if you know that you'd be indifferent about the outcome? No matter what you want to achieve in your life, you feel the desire to achieve it. That is an emotion, regardless of whether it has a rational or emotional justification.

Regardless of what the answer is, or whether there is an answer, I'm pleased with my share of emotion and rationale and the way I use them. Just as a true master of something understands its limitations, I believe that a truly logical person should be someone who understands where and when logic can be applied. This is not to say that I am a true master of logic. I do, however, think about whether something is a logic or emotion matter, and approach it accordingly.

Personally I think the two are fundamentally different: logic is a method, and emotion is an experience. I think my driving emotion is curiosity. There is of course the usual stuff: the curiosity for facts, for truths, for the understanding of the universe and all that. But the more important aspect of being curious, I think, is the desire to understand different emotions and the experience associated with them. Most people don't welcome adversity and negative feelings, but I do. I value negative experience, I like to unleash any emotion -- negative or not -- I may have about it. Since emotions are so commonly considered the driving force and something personal, it may look like I'm overwhelmed by them.

In the end, however, I chose to experience the emotion and would feel glad and satisfied that I did. I truly see life as a game; and as with any video game, I want to get as close to 100% as possible. Thus it's really not about what approach -- logic or emotion -- is right or more favorable, it's about how I want to play this game. So, you know, experience, be open-minded, take risk, seek adventures, love the adventures, not be afraid -- to think, to try, to feel, fail, succeed, be social, be lonely, be emo, be annoying, get annoyed, find people, avoid people, be silly, be excitable, be happy. All that.

The other day my extended family on my mom's side and I went out for an on-the-street dinner in Vietnam. Before leaving, my grandmother at home had told me to get some noodles for my father, and none for herself (she planned to eat left-overs from lunch). However, after the meal, we had plenty of left-overs and my mother wanted to bring them back for my father instead of buying more things. I told her to call my father to double-check, but she refused to, so I offered to do it. I said something like this:

"Hey dad, we have some left-overs here, do you want them instead of noodles?"

Well, he said no, so we ended up buying the noodles anyways. But my mother, along with her parents, after hearing that scolded me for asking whether my father wanted our left-overs. I asked them why.

"No self-respecting person would want to eat other people's left-overs, that's why he said no," said my mother.

"That's not lacking in self-respect, that's being not wasteful," I replied.

My mother got angry at me for not understanding that self-respect was more important.

"So," again I said, "if eating other people's left-overs is not self-respectful, then what makes it okay to offer him other people's left-overs as long as he doesn't know it?"

She got REALLY angry at me for "arguing with adults."

Since then, I have been more aware of the hypocrisy in this culture. There are plenty examples; they are so obvious that they become not obvious at all to insiders. That's why I call it the culture of hypocrisy.

It is a culture that pressures individuals (especially girls) to make sacrifices for the sake of other people, but advices rape victims to keep their story to themselves to "save face" and "get a good husband."

Once a crime goes unpunished, the criminal will have a tendency to repeat it. Whether you consider not being able to "save face" a sacrifice or not, by speaking up and condemning a rapist, you're doing a favor for many other women who otherwise will be the next victims of the same crime.

It is a culture that romanticizes poverty as a virtue and proof of integrity, but condemns Viet Kieu (Vietnamese who are now citizens of other countries) as unpatriotic, ungrateful and immoral when they refuse to donate money for their in-Vietnam relatives.

See: http://dotchuoinon.com/2009/03/18/dam-me-tuy%E1%BB%87t-v%E1%BB%9Di/

It is a culture where people get angry and look down on strangers for their lack of morals, integrity or considerations for other people, but teach their own children to cheat and "do whatever it takes" to get ahead in life.

A lot of neighbors' arguments end with "Look at yourself, your way of living with other people. You are immoral and aren't worthy of being a human!" However, a child who gives money to beggars are very likely to be called "stupid" by her parents.

It is a culture that accuses the white as being racist (while sucking up to them), but looks down on the black.

When people know that I've got a white American boyfriend, they congratulate me for my future promising life abroad. When people see the picture I took with my black Nigerian friend, they ask "Don't you feel scared of that scary black guy?"

It is a culture that pressures individuals to be considerate to others around them, but usually fails to give consideration about individual preferences.

My mother's parents, from the story at the top, also kept telling me over and over again to buy noodles for my other grandmother, despite me telling them that she told me not to get anything (and the fact that her digestive system is weak and she can't eat much).

In fact, a lot of people are only "considerate" to other people by ways that they know would be viewed by other people as being "considerate." For example, when I went to a party, everyone in the same table kept piling food in my bowl (some of which was food that I really didn't like) without being asked or asking me whether I wanted that food or not; or my mom usually keeps telling my grandmother to eat more of something several times, despite the fact (and my grandmother telling my mom) that she can't eat much. This is because in this culture, getting food for other people in the same table and offering good food for other people are seen as being considerate --- and many people do them blindly. Just like everywhere, very few people care to get to know other individuals around them and learn about their preferences.

And in the case that someone has different preferences, it will be seen as bizarre and "needs to be fixed." So keep doing those things despite their preferences is seen as a good thing, because presumably that's how they are fixed. (Example: my mom tried to take me to go shopping with her, and kept telling me to buy this dress or those shoes, because apparently I don't dress like a girl.)

It is a culture where the people who demand respects from most other people (i.e the elders) are unwilling to respect most other people.

Don't get me wrong, older people in a family demands absolute respect and obedience from younger members of the family, but also do care about and want the best for them. But respect? Not so often.

There are many, many more small instances and personal examples. These are just a few big things to think about.

Many have told me that my writing style changed a lot as I came to MIT, and I agree. I also have some explanations.



In Costa Rica, I complained a lot about being busy. I mentioned numerous time in my entries that I was writing them in a sleep-deprived state as the last time I had slept had been 30s hours ago. Now at MIT, "busy" is still the word you're likely to hear when asking how I am. I always have something to do for my projects, some number of psets due (and overdue), some readings to start on and some minor assignment which I'll suddenly remember some hours after it's due. However, how I was busy in Costa Rica is completely different from how I am busy now.



First, I wasn't busy in Costa Rica. I don't mean I lied to you, it's just that I didn't realized that I wasn't. There were internal assignments to be submitted, extended essays to be due, songs to rehearse, and so on, but it was all very manageable. However, I wasn't used to always having things to do, I procrastinated a lot, and I managed time badly. Nevertheless, I did well in the IB. So there, adding these two facts you will get: the IB was not that time consuming. Maybe it was for a procrastinating teenager (those who don't have time are those who don't do anything), but not in itself. Of course you don't just believe anything anyone say to you, so you look for facts; and you can see this through the frequency at which I had a new blog entry, wrote something on VietAbroader, or surfed facebook. You look at how much I spent my time on things that I didn't have to do, and you can deduce how much I had to do.



But MIT is busy and makes the amount of work for the IB seems like a joke. I know this through facts too: now that I manage my days much better, I have an account of what I have to get done on each day and how much time I expect it will take. I know that I'm busy because that amount of time exceeds the amount of time I have in a day. You don't know my daily plans, but you can know it by observing that my blog entries are months apart, I hardly show up on VietAbroader, and my last facebook activity was a while ago.



Of course, all this is not to say: "Hey, you know how I told you I was busy? That was nothing, now I AM really busy!" I guess the take-aways are:



- If you see someone frequently post things on the tube about how busy they are (maybe with a long, comprehensive list of all the things they have to do), well, they're probably not that busy.



And as much as I think that I am busy nowadays, I stopped talking about it and all the work weighing on me. Who cares exactly what I have to do? Besides, being busy is not a competition.



But enough about people seeking for validation from others thinking that they're busy. Back to the point: as I don't have as much time to write, I can't afford to write like I used to anymore. Let's make it clear: I loved and still love creative writing. But it takes time and efforts to enrich an imagery, to beautifully use a metaphor, to think about diction, and -- especially -- to not explicitly make a point but still have people think about it. As much as I like the process, these days are behind me. Now I talk facts and arguments -- simple, concise, and straight to the point. I don't think it's inferior; on the other hand, it's a different kind of art. It's the art of speeches.



This doesn't mean that I'm giving up on creative writing. There are books that I will write, but not now, not before some other to-dos with higher priority on my list. "I see that you'll never write it," you tell me, and I will beg to differ. I have moved a lot. Every time I moved, I gave up on a lot of habits and hobbies (Music? Vovinam? Psychology? Dancing? Drawing? You know the rest); and so when I see one that I will not, I know it. It's just that if I only have four years around a place like Random Hall and its people, locking myself in my room and writing is the worst way to spend time.

As you may have seen, I dedicated my previous note to my good friend, an MIT senior (who will remain known as Charming). He had decided to join the army after graduating just for the experience, and that reminded me of the other Canadian I know that had volunteered for the army: Ken. Should I have the opportunity to reunite with Ken in Hungary this summer, this story is definitely the first thing I will tell him. Ken was one of the very few people in whom I had confided my intention of taking a gap year before MIT -- also to volunteer in the army.



But, as widely known, I did not take a gap year (much to my disappointment). This has its own good and bad sides: on one hand, I really like the Randomites in my class and a lot of seniors that I wouldn't have had a chance to meet had I joined the class of 2013; on the other hand, I could have traveled with Terrascope to Abu Dhabi instead of Arizona (not that Arizona wasn't great, but in comparison to Abu Dhabi-- sigh). In any case, ever since I came to MIT, it's always been a process of moving forward. Occasionally I see Dapo and Lenard, and I've had various other UWCCR people visiting. I also think about these past years once in a while. But that's pretty much it. I never really live in the past. And it is a good thing -- it means that MIT is the right place for me, where I can enjoy without regrets about what I had left behind for it.



In a month, however, I will for the first time revisit my two UWCCR years -- and by revisit, I do mean physically being there. I'm quite aware that many people never did; but for me the changes between any one place to another have been so drastic that revisiting has even a more special meaning than what it sounds like. It's never just been a change in settings, it's also been a change about me. I hardly know anyone in the school right now, so my main motivation is to see Quique and play some music. Maybe also to go bungee jumping.



I know, it was the time when music was half of my life. Sometimes I wondered: why can't it still be? Now I watch old youtube videos of Los Escarabajos performances, follow World Famous Paul-C (to whom I still owe a trip to Toronto), and hang out with this bassist (who has a fretless bass) once in a while. But then I'll be surrounded by Randomites and other people at MIT, and I'll be enthusiastically drawn to what they do.



Everything in the world seems really interesting, so I can't commit to one. On top of that, I love traveling, so I just keep seeing more and more of it. I guess traveling's one thing that I just keep doing -- I keep doing it, because I like how it started.



Back in the early years, when Vietnam was the only place I had been to, I loved fantasies. My sister and I always roleplayed Sailor Moon (cheesy old time, but that was the only good stuff back then), and then Doraemon, and then Harry Potter, and then Rockman, and then Rockman.EXE, and then a lot of other assortments of things. I had my characters, and I had my net navis. Weren't they so interesting, these worlds, that they made the real world blank and boring? That had definitely been true, until the first time I underwent a drastic change -- when I first came to Toronto. Toronto is probably not unfamiliar to you as far as culture and lifestyle are concerned, but for me back then it was. Human creations went far and beyond what fantasies could give me. Fantasies were not made to daydream in, they were made to become truth. It was not the place, it was the comparison between the two places-- old and new -- that led me to this realization.



So why the story? Charming's joining the army is just like a fantasy come true, for both of us. We both liked weaponry and intelligence studies. We dreamed of long battles and dramatic one-to-one fights. So when we were 11, we learned Martial Arts -- him Karatedo, me Vovinam -- and we talked about bombing the world. Then at some point we realized that building and preserving are much harder than destroying. We liked the hard stuff, so we chose to do it.



He chose astrophysics, me engineering. He chose the violin, me the bass guitar. He joined Peace Corps., me Engineers Without Borders. We chose to save the world, or at least make it a better place -- cliches as it sounds.



We don't mind being cliches. We don't want to let society tell us what to do, but we don't want society to be an implication of what NOT to do either. We connect well to each other; and although we hadn't talked for like 2 years, we were still the closest and knew each other like the palm of our hands when we talked again just yesterday.



"Have you saved the world yet?" He asked me, and it was serious. My answer, as always, was: "Working on it."



Everyone who knew me somewhat calls me an Idealist -- but only in a very narrow sense of the word that means "someone who believes that life should be lived as they like, and thinks and acts in regards to how things should be, not how it actually is." He is the only other such Idealist I know, and I'm glad that he's there. We walked the streets of North York and Fukuoka, we played baseball, we made plans to go to Israel, we went kayaking, hiking, camping, orienteering, bungee jumping,...



We have visions about our ideal world, and then we act as if we were living in them. We became the change we want to see in the world.



I love his decision although I don't think that it's extraordinary; but let's give credits when it's due: it's a hard-to-make decision. But honestly, I hope that he will be done with his time in the army soon, tell me about it, and then start working on making the sci-fi reality -- because that's something I won't work on, much to my regrets.



And this summer, while he's busy getting ready, I'll be in Costa Rica meeting Quique and then Hungary to work on some energy projects, meet Daniel, and look at the lands for our self-sustaining farm (that was another of our shared dreams). I too should bring him exciting news.



Dear Charming, this is a celebration of you and me :)