---

There are moments when you learn that you are just totally alone.

Well, you may have hundreds of people supporting you spiritually, but frankly speaking, the truth is you are still left alone to face your own challenges. You don't feel like stepping forward, you don't want to step forward, you are afraid of what lies ahead. You feel weak both physically and spiritually. You don't know what to do.

Well, you can retreat. Who said you couldn't? It was just yourself which didn't allow yourself to do. So you move forward anyways, although you're not ready for it. And suddenly you realize that you are lost, and weak, and afraid, and yet, you still have to stand up on these trembling legs and move forward... because there is no way back. You learn that you have to be strong. You'll learn that by yourself; no one can teach you how to be strong. You'll learn that, and you'll learn that from being not strong enough.

---

Can't believe that it has only been a week from exams!

The exams, oh yeah. They are not bad, but not as good as I expected. And I also got my SAT scores this morning. 780 out of 800, well, damn good. Now, SAT 1 is 8 days away. And I didn't even started studying!

It has been a long, long, busy, tiring, fun, long again, gorgeous week. Our group 4 project (which I did together with Keally, Atalya, Veronika, Ilja and Stacey, with Ken being the supervisor)went on fun, hard, rewarding, tiring, and amazing. Ken was a great supervisor, and, well, we might not be the best team out there, but we did well, and we loved it. We researched on and created the "Solar shower", and have just presented it this afternoon along with 11 other groups.

This week, there is something going on every single night. My house went out Monday evening, but I had the The Beatles rehearsal with the staffs and Juanni, and totally forgot about it. On Tuesday night, there was a University Fair in San Jose. I did sign up for it, say, 1 or 2 weeks ago. Busy as I was, I intended to skip it. But Melody came to us at dinner with the signing up sheet in her hand and gave a quick lecture about coming or not coming...so, there I had been, somewhere in San Jose, listening to UPenn, Northwestern University and Georgetown university presenting themselves for almost 2 hours.

The last Open Mic show was on Wednesday. Dauti did his flying illusion, which I was lucky enough to learn how from himself...but hey, I won't tell you =) Tendai, Gaspar, and Geovanna sang some songs, Julianna and Mira did their little spontaneous end of year performance. But the coolest thing was probably when Juanni was singing, Paul shouting "everybody, surround the guy with the guitar", and all of us, including Dan and Mauricio, stood in a circle, singing, jumping, and swaying together. Back then, I thought it was a fun and memorable. Now, thinking back, I just realized what a beautiful and awesome moment it was, with people from 30 countries or more being really united, sharing and enjoying lives next to each other.

In Thursday evening, which is today, it was my piano recital - the piano that I had been busy working on organizing, advertising, PR, and everything, with significant help from Gregorio. Caro, Atalya, Hugo, Yiran, Ken, Quique, Gregorio and me stopped by the music school in Santa Ana to pick up some people, and then got there by the school bus. The pastor's wife had been very kind to us, she prepared the auditorium, the snacks, and everything. There were not that much people came; nevertheless, we had a great experience and really enjoyed ourselves. Err, well, I'm sure that other pianists did enjoy themselves; anyways, at least I did. It's music - you know - it's just a pleasure to be able to make some musical noise. I guess Jin and all of you in the band (Brandy, Nick, Joe, Drew) understand it very well.

People from the music school said my performance was really good. It didn't look like they were saying it out of politeness only, but personally I thought it was REALLY REALLY bad. I screwed up after the hand jumping part, I banged the keys so hard and they still didn't sound loud enough. I don't know, or it was just me, maybe you couldn't really hear the piano loud enough when you were in front of it or something like that. (Because I heard other people pretty well when I was sitting in the audience seats and when I was turning the page for Yiran and Atalya as well). However, there are real differences between what people generally think is good and what real pianists think is good. As a pianist, I know that I did a bad job. But the evening was enjoyable and the moment was memorable. MY own recital.

But I know that peope have been busy. None of us really practiced during the exams; and Atalya had so many things to do : all the CDs, UWCCR T-shirt, jackets,... And we all have our world lit, EE, group 4... So in Wednesday morning, I and Atalya walked together to the music room, and we realized we were just so overwhelmed. And just before the recital, we had group 4 presentations, then The Beatles rehearsal, which ended just 1 minute before the time. But it's UWC, and you couldn't imagine what you can really do.

So, tomorrow, we'll have that Los Escarabajos recital which is already well-known inside the school. Oh, and I've just learned on wednesday afternoon that I was having a piano performance on the graduation day, which will be Saturday!

But...oh gosh, I have so many things to do tomorrow. Go to the bank, take the box from Hilda and pack before 9, practice the Hungarian Sonata for the graduation, and the Los Escarabajos Concert...

Oh, now that I'm talking about that, I'm leaving on Sunday and I didn't start packing...

---

http://www.takingitglobal.org/express/panorama/article.html?ContentID=13195&start=0

I remember that I have had the ambition of being at Princeton, and of standing at the highest position.

Things changed; and yes, I still want to get into Princeton, but for a slightly different purpose.

I think about him - my beloved MITer - and his actions and motivation are no longer inexplicable to me. That was since I realized that although he doesn't need quantum physics or advanced calculus to change the world, he'll probably needs a PhD degree to have the means to make a sustainable difference.

So, once his reasoning is clear to me, it has also proven to be a better motivation for my current and future efforts. But I'm very aware of the difference between thinking of changing the world and actually doing it. I know that to want to change the world is not saying " I want to change the world", and to change the world is not claiming " I will change the world".

So, what have I learned? Everybody knows about "I have a dream" and what it means, but how many people actually know how it feels like? Just two hours ago, I ran into a poster with the familiar face of Martin Luther King, with his familiar and well-known statement.

I have a dream.

So, what had I realized, you asked? I had realized what my beloved MITer had done one year before I did: that when you want to change the world not because you want to be somebody who changes the world, but because you want the world to be changed, maybe one day you can really do it.

That's why I said his struggles and efforts were inexplicable to me. I used to feel like I was wasting my time and my mind in high school, dealing with stuffs I would never use and running after the college rat race. For me, once I have realized what it means to want to dedicate myself for making a positive difference, I no longer need or want any credit, reputation, luxuriant comforts, whatsoever. But time has taught me something.

Think about Kurtz in Heart of Darkness. He was someone who refused to be in the system, but wanted to influence the system. And we, what do we mean by "making a difference" ? Isn't a part of it to give people the education and knowledge they require so that they can function in the system? Isn't it all about getting them into the system? Well, it seems like we have to be in the system ourselves.

But the system is not to be blamed. It's needed. People criticized the system, but didn't think of the chaos without it. The aim is not to abominate the system, but to create a better one.

It's not that I don't know that the world is unfair. On the contrary, I know it very well. When the Mexican guy told me it was unfair that I had the music room key and thus I could play the piano anytime while the others couldn't, I laughed. Though i didn't say it to him, I thought : since when has "it" been fair? And furthermore, since when has the world been fair for those who only complain but do nothing for the fairness? One thing he'll never know, that's how it took me two weeks going after Ken to persuade him that I can hold the responsibility of having the key. One more thing he won't know, that's all the responsibilities to be in charge of the piano and keyboards. He who comes 5 minutes before his performance and says goodbye 5 minutes after the performance doesn't know what goes on behind the stage. He who takes things for granted doesn't know the difficulties of setting things up. it doesn't mean that I meant to be unfair to him. Although the world is, in some aspects, unfair to me, I'm well aware that it's more unfair to them - the majority of the population who don't have what I do because of the also unfair random probability. That the world is unfair, however, doesn't mean that I should be as well. On the contrary, it's exactly the reason why I should act fairly

I remember a picture from "the journey to the heart of darkness" , in which the UN ran away after leaving the people in Sudan a nice drafted resolution on their situation. People laughed bitterly, and I was among them. But just some hours later, I found myself filling the UN youth volunteer form. I thought about it, and it became clear to me that the same principle applied: that the UN is not functioning efficiently as it should be is exactly why I should support and lend a hand to improve it. What's the point of criticizing if it doesn't bring about any change?

So, in a recent English class, Melody said: "Although UWC hasn't lived up to my expectation, I will lie about it, because it's the vision which I want to retain." It really touched me , indeed. I recognized that it was exactly what I have been acting according to, even though I couldn't express it in words like her.

Coming back to the Mexican guy. He once told me how he thought the music room should be always left open , and how that would be an act of trust in the community. He gave an example of how his roommate stole his money, and said it didn't mean that he should keep his money from him. He called it trust; I called it naive. He didn't learn enough; school didn't teach him what he needs to know. Arrogance, complacence, hostility, self-centered, egoism... all are also different kind of naive.

However, that doesn't mean that I have learned enough to be in a position to justify. I have learned more than him, maybe. But my father always has to remind me of how cruel the world is, and my mother always warns me not to get into any sexual activity with that beloved MITer of mine. It's not that they don't trust me, it's just... they know that I haven't learned enough.

So what have I not learned? Well, if I knew, then I would have already learned it. As far as my knowledge allows, I realized that I should be grateful for everything I have and every moment of my life. And I really, really mean it. I know that the difference between me and some 17 year old housewife in Sudan is essentially just where we were born into. The unfair randomness. So, why bother nagging about not having good food, not having a big room, not having nicer clothes, when I have food to eat, a place to live in, and clothes to wear?

I know, I know, it sounds theoretical. But there is a real difference between persuading yourself that you're lucky and actually understanding how lucky you are. I can't say that actually, since I have never experienced extremes. But still, when I say " i appreciate everything", I know I really mean it. I know, in person, a little girl who loves piano but can't afford even the cheapest keyboard, and so she draws keys on the ground and moves her fingers on them. And so, when I played the old, "terrible" keyboard in my residence, i was glad that I had a keyboard to play. When there is a blackout, I often worry about the assignment due the next day, but instead of cursing the situation, I always find myself lying on the grass looking at the stars relaxingly or playing music in the dark - the piano, the acoustic guitar, or the flute. Oh - the flute - it's really a great invention of our ancestors. Someone says music is the global language, and that's so true. Although I'm best at and love piano, there are times that the piano becomes a luxury to me, because of it so-called nobility. I do perform and love concerto music; however, I still think that music is more about universal. That's why I'd like to have my bamboo flutes and my harmonica with me anytime. I'm so bad at them, but actually, who cares, as long as with them I can play music and easily show others how to do.

Oh, and when I say "appreciate everything", it includes also nature and events/ opportunities. I guess that's how I learned to care about environment and the mutuality of relationships. Talking about that, those who don't care to maintain the mutuality of relationships are naive by my definition, since they haven't learn the precious value of it. And that's what I called arrogance, complacence, hostility, self-centered, egoism. I remember some one on BBC saying : you don't have to insult others to be frank. Well, my comment is, at this point, clear.

But, it's really a nice feeling, everyday you wake up and say thank you for everything, smile with everything you receive in your life, and demand no more than what you need to get. Once you've learned to love your life as it is, you'll be happy. It's just how you see life.

And once you've learned to appreciate your random luckiness, you'll feel no need for luxuries. Well, I don't know actually, maybe it's just me. Anyways, I think the simpler I take it, the more joy I'll have and the more I know I have to do, can do and willing to do. The more I do, the more I'll change. To change the world, you have to first change yourself.

But, OK, it's not a matter of knowledge, it's a matter of belief. By knowledge, I know very well how ugly the world is... well, maybe I don't, but I do know that the world is either as ugly as or more ugly than I know it is. But by belief, I believe I have the rights and responsibility to appreciate it, and I'm indeed very happy to do so. It will be a lie if I say that I strongly believe I will change the world. However, I do believe that I'll never change anything if I don't try.

Well, I don't know why I'm writing this at 2 am the day I'm having my English year 1 exam. But I'm feeling really good now... and I do believe in myself and our - my and his - desire to make a difference. Thanks for reading :)

---

Couldn't get the perfect scores I wanted, but the tests were not bad. They were kind of good actually, but well, you'll never know, SAT math is tricky.
So I'm done with that... and have only 20 more to go next week!